Wondering why things that scare us as adults didn’t seem so big as kids?

The older i get the more I notice how much things scare me. When I was a child these things didn’t scare me as much as they do now. For instance When I was 7 years old I had my first open heart surgery. To me being 7 and facing mortality seemed like nothing to me, Was it because i was so nieve  and didn’t realize if things went wrong i wouldn’t ever wake up or see anyone i loved again, Or was it for the simple fact that I as a child thought that because my mommy said it would be fine it indeed would be fine, or just the fact that as a young child we do not think about how much loss those around us would feel if we were gone. Just how much we have to lose.  Then when I was 17 I had yet another open heart surgery, This time I was worried and Scared that something would go wrong and i would never see my friends and family again, But as a teenager it to passed as my family and friends said it’s going to be fine the anxiety passed and i was OK with the surgery because i was going to be OK it was going to be  fine.  Now I am 30 years old and I know i need to go get a check_up with my Cardiologist, But i am too scared because i know they are going to tell me i need another surgery #3 In all fact i could have had it 3 years ago but I am to scared to, I look at my life now I’m a parent the thought of the possibility of never seeing my kids again paralyses me with fear to do something i have done twice before and come out of fine. Why Does being a mom an adult make it seem so much more scary that when i was younger. Do our children make us realize that we are scared. Is it just something we felt all along but just don’t realize till the thing that makes our lives feel complete could be lost to us forever, Or is it more that we will miss so much in their lives if something happens to us, Or do we just think they might forget us or blame us for leaving. Do we worry we have not taught them the most valuable lesson we can offer them.  Do we use theses fears as reason, Reason not to do what is best for ourselves. I know I need to take my steps forward to make sure i live a long healthy life for my children. I also know by not going to my doctor eventually my heart will give out. So why does it seem less scary to keep going each day knowing that my mortality could happen at any moment then to go into a hospital and have a surgery that could allow me to no longer worry about how long till it happens … This Was what I was Wondering today!   



About Me and MY Blog

This is a blog about me. My struggles in life as a single mother of 2 at 30 years old and the many obstacles  that have been in my way in my life as well as so many of the random thoughts that go trough my head. About how my life is changing and how I wonder what happened to people i met and lost along my way. Those who stayed, Those who left and The ones i just wish would Go away sometimes. I hope this will be an enjoyable read for those who read this and maybe new friends along the way. This is Why I am  30 and wondering!